


we were (never) beautiful

by orphan_account



Series: this is (not) love [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, M/M, god this is wanky, mild violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 03:46:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5569777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had many firsts, and they had many lasts.<br/>None of it mattered anyway. </p>
<p>OR </p>
<p>The story of how Kylo Ren and General Hux grew to need each other, the story of how they almost fell in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the first time they met

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still trash.  
> 

The first time they met Kylo Ren was not yet a Master, merely a Knight. He had just turned 21, had just cut his hair, and he was still trying to control his wrath. He still flinched when his old name was whispered in hushed tones on city streets and in darkened bars. He was dancing in the threshold of old and new. He was naïve, and he was scared, and he was _angry._

Kylo Ren was young when they first met, but at least he was somebody. He had a past, a _before_ and an _after._ He was darkness, but he was also light that flickered at the edges. He was a ripped in two; half in the past and half in the future, never in the now.  

This was a Kylo Ren who still dreamed, who still hoped. He still smiled when it rained. Kylo Ren was not yet a man and he was not a boy. He loved to love, and he _hated_ to feel. He was driven by his passion, by his hatred, by his rage.

The first time they met Kylo Ren was still _alive._

But Hux was nothing, and he was nobody; he had yet to breathe.   

 

The meeting happened purely by coincidence. It was not fate, it was not the force, and if they had been anyone else it would have been forgettable. They met to the drone of youthful excess and neither of them had known what to do, what to say. They met in a bar, frequented only by those with no place in the New Republic. They met in a bar on the night of Hux's graduation; the first night of his life and the beginning of his descent into the dark.  

Music and noise bombarded Ren from every angle, the deafening clamour shaking him and shattering his nerves.  The overhead lights flickered, leaving everything half lit and half shrouded in the dark. But as the music pounded and the lights flashed, he felt something opening up inside of him. Something visceral, tangible, something dark and something holy.

As Kylo Ren stood, more rooted in reality than ever before, he wondered if this was what power felt like. And as he stood there, shoulder to shoulder with a fellow Knight, his gaze swept the room and they fell upon eyes unabashedly new.

 

The man who caught Ren’s eye looked young, too young to be graduating but he couldn’t have been anyone else; everything about him screamed officer in waiting. Everything from the way he drank his wine to his forward, intrusive stare spoke of control and order even as the he laughed with his friends and gave everything away.

In the dizzying lights, the young man’s face was distorted, the colours reflected on his teeth and skin and in his eyes. Those eyes, which were so young and fresh, had no real colour in the bright lights. They were shards of glass, penetrating and reflecting. Sharp and smooth. 

‘Who’s he?’ Ren asked his companion, gesturing towards newcomer.

‘No idea,’ the man replied, a smirk on his lips and malice in his eyes. Kylo Ren knew what his fellow Knight was thinking; he looked at Ren and he saw awkwardness and features that didn’t match, he looked at this other man and he saw a marble statue, he saw charm and beauty incarnate. He believed that Kylo wanted this man, and he knew that it wouldn’t be returned.

Slowly, out of his control, Kylo Ren felt a spark of anger light in his chest and it wouldn’t be long before it exploded.

‘That’s Hux,’ a new voice offered, dragging Ren’s thoughts away from anger and back towards beauty. He looked to see another graduate he didn’t know, a young human with dark hair and dark eyes. ‘He graduated top of the class, and he’s only 20,’ she continued. She was also smirking, but her eyes were kind; she thought Ren had a chance.

And it was going to be fine, but as Ren moved away to approach this Hux, his companion sniggered, the noise scrapping like sandpaper against Ren’s ears.   

Suddenly, Kylo Ren was a slave to his anger and there was nothing he could do to stop himself from throwing his companion against a wall using only his passion and rage. 

He could feel shock radiate throughout the crowd, and although the music never stopped; everything went silent. Ren couldn’t help but smile though, because he could feel Hux’s eyes piercing his back. 

 

Kylo Ren did not leave the party after that, and no one tried to send him away. He got away with sitting in the dark, eyes lightly closed and thoughts far away. Perhaps that was the best part of being terrifying; everyone was too scared to speak to you. Undoubtedly, it was also the worst part of being terrifying too.  

‘Why are you still here?’

Ren’s eye snapped open, and above him he saw Hux. Up close his face was all cheekbone and sharp edges, but his eyes were just pale green; common and glassed over with intoxication. Ren didn’t reply, simply closed his eyes again. Somehow he was more disappointed than anything else.

‘I said, why are you still here?’ This time, Hux’s voice was calm, but underneath Ren could sense a carefully controlled rage. This anger was cold, the sort that froze rather than burnt.

Jealousy piqued within Kylo Ren; this control was what he ached for, what he needed to turn his passion into a weapon and forgo the light completely.

Once more he opened his eyes and this time Hux’s gaze was focused and biting. ‘Do you know who I am?’ he asked, truly curious.

‘No,’ the answer was biting, but Ren could sense the lie.

‘But you know what I can do.’ And to prove his point he wrapped the force around Hux; not tight enough to hurt but enough to scare.

‘I know what you could do, if you had any control,’ Hux replied, and it infuriated Ren that this man was still composed, despite the fear and anger the radiated off him.

‘Then why are you still here?’ Ren growled, letting Hux go.

Hux did not say anything, he merely turned and walked back to his comrades, who clapped him on the back and poured him another drink.

At that moment, Kylo Ren suddenly felt very alone and it scared him. And when he finally relented, and stalked out of the celebration, a tidal wave of futility and resentment washed over him; this man was calm, and he was respected, and he was everything that Kylo Ren wanted to be, and Ren hated him for it. Hux was everything he would never become, and Ren could hardly bear to let him go.


	2. the first time they kissed

It was not until years later that they shared their first kiss. This time, Kylo Ren was a master; powerful and cruel, a force of danger that shattered everything he touched. Before he had been a wildfire, volatile, hard, fast, but now he was so cold he _burnt_. He was the sort of cold and crept into everything; ice that cracked and cracked and cracked until it shattered and destroyed everything in its path. No longer did he love to love. Instead he loved to hate, loved to rage and consume.

He still, however, hated to feel.

No longer could he clearly recall his mother’s face, it had become an indiscriminate blur of features dancing mockingly before his eyes. No longer could he recall the sound of his father’s laugh, his mother’s voice, the sound of his own _name_.

The first time they had met, Kylo Ren had been half and man and half a boy, half human and half a god, he had been nothing if not alive but this time he was cold and he was dead. This time he was cold and he couldn’t remember what it meant to be warm.

But Hux, he was just learning to fly. His eyes were fastened on the future, on the sky, and he had no desire to fall down now.

 

The first time they kissed was also the first time they had ever been alone.

Many times in the past had they met, Kylo Ren was the Master of the Knights of Ren, and Hux was an up and coming commander,  it was inevitable that they would cross paths. They would see each other at meetings and functions, would pass each other in hallways; eyes never holding a stare.

They were always distant, and neither of them brought up that first meeting; neither of them knew if the other even remembered. And so they stayed that way, forever being pulled together and forever resisting, because Kylo Ren still envied Hux and Hux _hated_ Kylo Ren.

But they were two forces that were destined to collide and eventually, they did.

 

It was not unusual for Ren to seek comfort in the empty officer’s lounge late at night; his thoughts were a web and he was never more tangled in them than at night. If Jedi’s claimed not dream, than those who used the dark could never escape them. And when Kylo Ren dreamed he dreamed of his parents, of the dark and of the light, of killing those children he had once called his peers in a final act of rebellion against the light.

When Kylo Ren dreamed, he dreamed of a monster.

So he sought reprieve in the officer’s lounge when it was late enough that everyone else would be asleep. Ren would then stand at the window, looking out at the stars that danced in front of his vision; taunting him with their freedom. Eventually the day would begin again, and Ren would make his way through the day; hoping to exhaust himself so much that the dreams would finally leave him alone.

But one time, he wasn’t alone, because when he arrived Hux was already standing at the window. His back stiff and his shoulders taut, so rigid and inflexible that they were destined to break, and Kylo Ren would be there to watch Hux fall, to watch him lose all of that carefully contained rage and see him lose control.

‘Lord Ren,’ Hux was always the first to speak. When he turned to look at the Ren, all Ren saw were those light green eyes.

Kylo nodded in response, glad that the mask he wore hid his expression. 

‘Do you come here often?’ Hux had continued, walking towards Ren, his expression calm.

‘Most nights,’ Kylo Ren could not help but gravitate towards Hux and he dared not reach out in the force, scared of what he might find in Hux’s thoughts. When they both stopped moving, less than a meter apart Ren spoke again. ‘I’ve never seen you here before.’

‘I’m celebrating.’

‘Celebrating what? What is so worth celebration that you must stand here alone?’ Ren felt a surge of cruel satisfaction as Hux’s eyes flared with annoyance at Ren’s mocking tone. And so Kylo Ren finally learnt something tangible about the man before him; he was proud and he was arrogant.

‘If you must know, I am expecting a promotion shortly,’ Hux’s tone is curt, but he does not waver.  

Briefly, Ren wondered if Hux had it in himself to kill his superiors, but decided against it. Hux was too proud to achieve anything using anything other than is own intellect and charm.

‘Then I offer my congratulations,’ and although Hux does not like Ren, Ren can still feel the pleasure coming off the other man at the compliment. Before this moment, Hux had been little more than a distant figure in Ren’s mind, a memory of a night that went all wrong, sometimes even a symbol of envy and distaste.  

But as they stood alone in that moment, Hux became something else; he became real and Ren was reminded of why he had been drawn to the man in the first place.

‘Do you ever take that mask of?’ Hux’s question pierces the silence. Ren does not bother to remind Hux that Hus himself has seen Ren’s face at its most bare and vulnerable; either Hux cannot remember that night or he doesn’t want to.

Instead Kylo Ren unclasps his helmet, and pulls it slowly off. Underneath he knows what Hux will see; skin that is sickly pale and features that still don’t match.

But when Hux looks at Kylo’s face, his eyes couldn’t seem to part from Ren’s lips and his pupils dilated until they consumed all but a sliver of that pale, pale green; his desire was palpable. Hux took another step towards Ren, and at this distance Ren could see the freckles that scattered across Hux’s cheeks. They were constellations; each unique in their making.

Kylo knows that Hux doesn’t like him, and maybe doesn’t really desire him, maybe Hux is playing him. But as they stood alone in that room with the stars as their backdrop, Ren couldn’t bring himself to care.

Together they finally met, and everything else in Kylo’s world ceased to exist. Hux’s hands wrapped themselves in the other’s hair and ass they kissed they fought. They fought for power, for control. This kiss was rough and harsh, messy to the core. It was, Kylo decided, probably a mistake, but it didn't matter because the cold that had dominated Kylo Ren for so long was starting to thaw. 

Hux was not a brilliant kisser, and his lips were chapped and raw. He used his teeth and tongue like a weapon, and although neither of them truly had control; Hux came the closest to winning.

They kissed, and it was made of passion and of fire. They kissed like they were stars about to implode, fishing for every last scrap they could. They kissed, and for the first time in a long time Ren was glad he could feel.

Then Hux bit down hard and fast, ‘never again’ he had whispered; voice low with anger and desire.  

That was a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and feedback are always appreciated :)  
> my star wars blog; poeskywallker.tumblr.com  
> thanks!


	3. the first time they fucked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is sex in this (towards the end) but i chickened out so it's basically just metaphors covering up the fact that i cant write sex scenes.

It was less than two months after they first kissed that they first fucked.

They were still young, and nothing much had changed. Kylo Ren still had no control, he still hated to love and loved to hate.

Something was beginning change though, something was happening to Kylo Ren. Before that first kiss, that moment that had started the collapse of everything, he had been frozen and he had been ice, but Hux had lit a fire inside his mouth and Kylo Ren was beginning to thaw. Finally, Kylo Ren was beginning to burn again. He was being spent by the memory of a kiss scorched onto his lips, and he almost loved it.

What he felt for Hux was not love, and it wasn’t even lust, but he felt something and it was tangible. Kylo could taste it on his tongue and feel it in his stomach.  

After that first taste, Ren had wanted more, had wanted everything, Hux was reeling him in closer and closer. Ren was an addict and Hux was the drug or maybe it was the other way around, but it didn’t matter because they needed each other, wanted each other.

Hux had said that they would never kiss again, and he had tried to keep that promise but he couldn’t because even he couldn’t stop gravity; even he couldn’t stop the two of them from colliding.

 

They first fucked on the night that Hux announced his promotion and became a General. He had become the youngest General in the Order, younger even than any that had served for the Empire.

Kylo Ren had, as was expected of him, attended the celebrations. He had watched the newly crowned General make his speech. The promotion itself was not a surprise to anyone; Hux was that rare kind of person whose ambition matched his ability, and while many rumours circulated about the untimely death of the old General, no one doubted that Hux could have made the position using only his cunning and charm. Kylo knew it.

However, while the promotion itself was not a surprise, Hux was. Hux was drinking, was celebrating; was undeniably satisfied. Kylo had never seen him this free before, and he couldn’t bear to tear his eyes away, on that night Hux had become something more. When he laughed, the lights flashed off his teeth and all Ren could think of was shards of glass; sharp and hard and fragile, ready to rip and ready to break. 

That was all Hux was, really; glass. Sharp in all the wrong places, easier to break than make.

And at first Ren thought that finally Hux had given in, had let go of his control, but then Ren looked closer and he saw that the way that Hux was analysing everything around him; timing every laugh and every sip, letting everyone else get comfortable so they wouldn’t see him attack. It was then that Kylo understood; he was a monster of the worst kind, and Hux was just as bad.

 

Eventually, the celebrations ended.

When Ren headed back towards his quarters, his footsteps ringing out in the sterile corridors, he knew that Hux was following him. Kylo Ren kept his gaze straight ahead though, his eyes focused on grey walls before him. Maybe he was scared to turn around, scared that it wasn’t real.

As they stood in front of Ren’s door, Kylo could feel Hux’s warm breath against the back of his neck, tickling his hair.

Even when they entered the room, Kylo Ren refused to turn around. As he knelt down to unlace his boots, he noticed that his hands were shaking. Steadily, he swallowed a scream and cleared his throat.

‘Take your boots off.’ Kylo’s voice was sharp.

As he took off his coat, he could sense the man behind him doing the same. He breathed in, the oxygen filling him with enough courage to turn around.

The man before him was beautiful. Hux had always been handsome, but when he stood before Kylo Ren, his eyes lazy with intoxication, his cheeks flushed, and his hair slightly messier than usual, he became truly beautiful. Kylo’s lips parted slightly, and he felt a tug of desire in the pit of his stomach. His head began to spin as the world around them stopped.

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was something more.  

‘I didn’t know you were one to go back on your promises, general,’ Kylo said. His voice was clear, collected, but his head was on fire and his heart was about to burst. He was not going to be able to hold himself back for much longer.

‘You don’t know much about me,’ Hux’s voice was breathy but his lips were pulled into a smirk. Ren understood what this was, Hux as playing him just as he played everyone else. ‘Maybe I changed my mind.’

‘You can go, I don’t want you if you don’t to be here.’ Force knows, Ren didn’t want him to go.

‘I don’t think so, Kylo.’ Hux reached out and grabbed Kylo’s hand, slowly removing the other man’s glove. When their fingers brushed, electricity burst though Ren.

Kylo leant forward, his lips brushing against Hux’s cheek. ‘What do you want?’

Hux answered with a kiss, just as ferocious and wild as before; passion channelled into a tool of vicious pleasure. When Hux wrapped his hands into Ren’s hair, enticing a moan from Ren, Ren freed his own hands to unbutton Hux’s jacket.

Briefly they parted again, ripping clothes off with no care or precision, fingernails scratching against bare skin. When their eyes met, Hux’s pupils were so dilated there was only a sliver of green visible. Through the force Kylo could feel lust and satisfaction straining at the edges of Hux’s mind.   

When they joined again, Kylo’s heart was pounding so fast he was sure that Hux would be able to feel it beating through his chest. The kiss had started a fire within Ren, and now he was ablaze. If they just managed to stay together they could eat up the whole galaxy, consuming stars and growing larger and hotter the more they burnt.  

‘Fuck me,’ Hux whispered as they fell onto the bed. Suddenly anger began to simmer within Kylo; even then Hux was always ahead, always in control.

Hux began to laugh, and Kylo was reminded of why he worse a mask; his face gave everything away and Hux was basking in his anger.  

‘Fuck me, _hard_ ,’ this time Hux’s words were a command, and Ren was all too willing to submit. Hux would feel his anger, would understand it, he would love it.  

Then, finally, they collided and the world exploded.

It was animalistic, primal at its very core. Nothing about it had been beautiful; no it had been violent and bloody. A terrible disaster happening between them, before their eyes. A star about to supernova. It was, Ren realised with vicious glee, darkness at its very core.  

As Hux squirmed beneath him, his emotions laid out on his face, Kylo realised that Hux had finally lost all composure, had given his control up in favour of something much darker. Somehow that realisation made everything so much more electrifying, more stunning; more sublime.

There was no control, no reason; it was just anger and passion played out through pleasure rather than pain.

It was not love, but it came close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the lovely feedback, and as always, comments are very much appreciated :)  
> my star wars blog is poeskywallker.tumblr.com


	4. the first time they found something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long! hope you enjoy.  
> also i made hux's first name noah, but if we ever find out ill change it to that.

It carried on like that for years; Hux and Kylo Ren moving in tandem, hurtling towards a glorious finale. They bit and they scratched, each of them desperately rearing for power, fighting for control.

Together they grew, and together they fell.

Kylo Ren was 28. He had stretched even further, raged even louder, hurt deeper. Before the dark had swallowed him whole and there had been no way out, but then the light started to flicker at the edges of Kylo’s vision, had started to bury itself deep inside his bones, screaming for him.

Maybe it was Hux.

Or maybe it had always been that way.  

The darkness that had once been all encompassing and utterly divine was fading, he was an addict at the high wasn’t what it used to be. Light was slipping in through the edges and it hurt. It pinched and it grabbed, it tore at his edges and whispered in his ears.

Kylo had not seen his parents in 14 years (half his life, god, how that ached) and now he couldn’t remember what they looked like anymore. No longer could he remember the feeling of his mother’s arms around, of his father’s calloused fingers brushing against his cheek.

Maybe that was what had brought the light in.

Hux, he was 27.

He lived for power, and he was willing to die for it too.

If Kylo was addicted to the dark then Hux was addicted to power. He craved it, he _needed_ it.

Kylo was too human, and Hux wasn’t human enough, and together they were dangerous and volatile. More than that they were savage.

At least, most of the time.  

 

They had been fucking for nearly two years and yet neither of them knew more than mere basics about the other. They knew each other’s bodies, knew that they hated (not love, never love) each other. Kylo knew that Hux was as arrogant as he was power hungry, and Hux knew that Ren was so sad he was angry and that was it.

Kylo he didn’t care, he didn’t need to know. He didn’t care, and if it ever became necessary that he did know more, he could just take it. He could just take until there was nothing left.

But Hux, he needed to know more. It was his nature, his obsession with power left him aching for knowledge, because knowledge was power.

Kylo knew this, and, occasionally, after they fucked Hux would give in and Kylo would win.  

They would lie on the bed, a tangle limbs sticky with sweat and blood, Kylo’s head on Hux’s chest, and Hux would curl his fingers into Kylo’s hair and trace patterns onto his skin. Then, softly, Hux’s voice would shatter the tense silence.

‘What’s your real name?’

The question always filled Kylo’s stomach with icy water, water that would trickle down and freeze him. He would tense, and despite the ice penetrating his bones and lungs and heart, a hot fire would begin; starting in the small of his back and making its way up to his throat, to his head. Then the anger would paralyse his body, and Hux would stiffen; his heart racing and his fear screaming through the force.

Hux liked to pretend he wasn’t scared of Kylo, but he was because Kylo was terrifying.

As Ren’s anger simmered in the space between them, Hux would leave. And when the door closed Kylo would smile, because he had won. He had something that Hux wanted, for once _he_ was in control.

Until, one time, he lost.

 

They were lying in Kylo’s bed, the sheets draped loosely over their legs.

Hux had his eyes closed, the bright artificial lights casting shadows across his face; staining him black and white. His breath brushed the top of Kylo’s head, slow and steady. If it weren’t for the dragging of his nails against Kylo’s arm, Ren might have thought he was asleep.

In that moment, everything was calm. As Kylo listened to Hux’s light breathing and felt their hearts beat in union, something shifted in the force.  It wasn’t dark, and it wasn’t light; but it was calm and it was _clean._

In that moment, he couldn’t imagine anything else. Hux was everything he hated, was everything he wanted, but they fit together perfectly and Kylo couldn’t bear to let go.

Kylo watched as Hux opened his eyes, the green brighter than usual in the warm lights. It was the usual question, and this time the words didn’t drench Kylo in cold.

‘What’s your real name?’ the words were breathy and soft; barely there, unthreatening. In hindsight, Kylo realised that that was what Hux wanted him to think but as Kylo held Hux in his arms all he could see was glass so thin it would break if it fell.

‘Ben,’ he almost continues, but there are things that Hux doesn’t need to know. Hux doesn’t seem surprised, his expression remains balanced and unreadable; and then Kylo knows that he will always lose when it really matters, because Hux will always win.

But then Hux leans down, his lips brushing against Kylo’s cheek and his hands wrapped up in Kylo’s hair, and it’s almost a kiss. ‘My first name is Noah,’ his voice is light, as if he is barely holding on to consciousness anymore.

‘I know,’ and its true, Kylo has Hux’s file remembered, and surely Hux knows that to.

Maybe, in whispering those words against Kylo’s cheek, a ghost of a kiss, Hux was telling something Kylo something more. Kylo had confessed his name, and Hux was returning the favour.  

‘I think Kylo suits you better,’ the words themselves aren’t much, but they are enough, and maybe for the first time Kylo is triumphant.  

Low in his gut, Kylo could feel disappointment setting in. After all this, Hux had become so simple.

But then Hux smiled, and although Kylo couldn’t see anything but a mess of bright hair, he knew Hux was smiling with his teeth because he could feel them pressed against his cheek, hard and cold where Hux’s lips had just rested. Even if Hux had been trapped by his own feelings, he would never be simple.  

Slowly, Kylo felt Hux relax in his arms, his breathing deepening. In his sleep Hux (Noah) didn’t smile, but his face was far more relaxed than it ever was when he was awake. When he was asleep, Hux almost looked kind.

Afterwards, as they lay together Kylo Ren felt something stir inside him; something warm and something calm. It was the light. And later, that would scare him. But in that moment of bliss, where the memories of sunshine and laughter echoed in his thoughts, all Ren could think of was Hux’s hands in his hair. Maybe, Kylo Ren had wondered, Hux _had_ been telling Ren he loved him. But maybe he wasn’t.

Truly though, it wouldn’t matter, because Kylo Ren wasn’t in love anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't my best one sorry :(  
> ill be updating every week at around this time from now on, although it might come faster :)


	5. the first time they (didn't) say goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
> I have excuses, school being the main one. Basically I have been drowning in hw, which sucks.   
> I can't promise I'll be very consistent with updating, but I wont abandon this, and the next few chapters are going to be so fun to write.   
> This is also Not Great as a chapter, but I'll come back and edit later anyway.   
> :)

Everything almost ended with a girl and a traitor and a droid.

They were still young, or at least they still felt young, which was the same thing anyway. They were still violent, still veering out of control; bracing for an impact that was bound to happen sooner or later. But now it was a different sort of violence; no longer was it anger and hate and pain, it had become a violence made to balance out everything else.

The scratches and bites and words hissed through bleeding lips had become a promise, the continuing denial of everything they could (should) have been.

But Hux was still a monster and Kylo was still light (no, never light) so they would continue to hit and bite and kick, screaming until their throats tore in half.

Or at least they would have, if a scavenger from nowhere hadn’t become a hero and a traitor hadn’t become who he was supposed to be.

Maybe, if Ben Solo hadn’t killed his father, he could have finally pushed out the light.

 

All Kylo Ren could feel was the snow against his back, and the numbness that was slowly spreading outwards and inwards, consuming everything it touched.

_I’m going to die. I’ve killed my father I’m going to die._

The words cycled in his head, a loop that didn’t distress him as much as it should have. Kylo Ren was ready to die, or at least he wanted to die and in that moment that was good enough.

Slowly he turned his head, his eyes landing on the pool of red blood that lay on the snow just inches from his face. As he studied the red liquid, his eye beginning to blur with shock and blood loss, he thought of the red of Hux’s hair against the white of his skin, the dark pink of his lips against the stark whiteness of his teeth as his mouth turned upwards into a sneer.

Kylo Ren didn’t want his last thoughts to be of a man he was trying so hard _not_ to love, a man who had offered Kylo nothing but pain and shards of glass hidden between his teeth.

Kylo didn’t want to think of Hux, he didn’t want to think of anything. He just wanted not to hurt anymore, wanted the light to go and the dark to follow.

Against the numbness that had started to overrun his body, Kylo felt the familiar embrace of anger, burning through his lungs and into his throat. Desperately he opened his mouth and tried to scream.

Instead, what he got was the feeling of hot breath against his cheeks and the feeling of arms around his waist, hefting him to his feet and pulling him forward.

_Hux._

He didn’t realise he had passed out until he opened his eyes, the metal frame of a medical cot digging into his back, bright lights flickering above him.

The first thing that hit him was the pain, a searing pain across his face, a burn on his shoulder, and an indescribable ache in his side, an ache that throbbed and burnt so hot it was cold.

The second was the feeling of someone’s hand in his hair.

He couldn’t help the whimper that passes through his lips.

Above him Hux’s face swam into view, his face pale and speckled with blood. The image of his own blood pooling on the white snow flashed through Ren’s head, and he wondered if Hux knew how striking he was.

Knowing Hux, he probably did.

Gently, Noah Hux pressed his fingers on the side Kylo’s face that wasn’t cut in half, and upon his touch Kylo could feel a warmth spreading from his face into his chest, than down to his toes, into the very marrow of his bones.

That scared him more than anything else.

‘Where are we?’ his throat scratched in protest at the words.

‘A shuttle, approaching the _Finalizer_ ,’ although his words were not comforting by themselves, accompanied with the gentle warmth of his hands and the unusual softness in his eyes Kylo could not help but feel comforted by the General’s presence.

This comfort, however, did nothing to tame the anger Kylo could feel building up in the base of his spine, caressing the edges of his thoughts and beckoning him into the darkness.

He had _failed._

Ha had failed and he could no longer bare to look into the eyes of a man who cared for Kylo more than Kylo could ever care for him. Or at least, a man who he couldn’t let himself care for, for that would be weakness.

_Weakness is failure. Failure is weakness. Weakness is failure. Failure is weakness._

Kylo closed his eyes and lent into Hux’s warmth, tried to let it overtake his thoughts but pain was attacking him relentlessly from every angle. Sneaking in through every crevice and making itself home in every absence. The pain was tangible, it was visceral, and it was real. For once it did not anchor Ren down, all it did was make the light brighter and the dark thicker. The pain was useless, but it was not going away.

Perhaps it was because all Kylo Ren could see was snow and his father’s face, because all he knew was the memory of a hand against his face and fingers tangled in his hair.

Hux was not force sensitive, but in that moment even he could sense the distress building up in Kylo Ren, a cocktail of sadness and anger threatening to spill over the edge and burn everything it touched.

‘What should I do?’ Hux whispered, his voice steady and calming.

‘Go,’ and Kylo almost regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, but when Hux retracted his hand and placed a mask of interference over his features, Kylo couldn’t help but smile. Hux was a constant.

When Hux left, his back straight and his gait steady, Kylo wondered if they would ever kiss again.

Hux may have always been the first to leave, but Kylo Ren was the first to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed.   
> Please lave feedback/ advice :)   
> My SW blog is poeskywallker.tumblr.com   
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always appreciated :)  
> I'll probably be updating once or twice a week. (I'm on holiday for a while, its great :)))  
> My Star Wars blog is poeskywallker.tumblr.com


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